What will be the outcome?

I have been reading articles; news, blogs, opinion pieces, propaganda, prayers, poems, stories on Zimbabwe. Interestingly none of the articles offer a solid plan to resolve the situation. Eddie Cross highlights that it is possible to wait and see what happens (because he has no strategic plan to push for an outcome of his choice). Arthur Mutambara thinks western interference is doing more harm than good - okay wake up Prof, the west will never shutup so get on with it. Others are busy attcking Tsvangirai, but hey the guy cannot do anything. His own plan is to allow democracy to creep into Zimbabwe peacefully with a bit of prompting from the international community. Last time he tried a final push.... I hope the next article I read will have a clear road map of what to do. It should avoid telling us how bad Mugabe is, we know that already. It should not bash the west, that's a typical habit of African leaders when they are in the process of burying their heads in the sand. I will keep my fingers crossed, meanwhile let me go to the bank to collect a hundred trillion dollars!

The year 2008 in alphabetical order

I want to put down a few thoughts about a year which I, and many Zimbabweans, would rather forget. We know it has been a watershed year in one aspect; we finally convinced ZANU PF that we actually do not like them. Before that, this salient point was in doubt. Now the doubt remains in Dr Mahoso's head. It was a bad year in general; an economic recession (started by the farm invasions the other year), a violent runoff (runaway with the vote) and the death of the ZimDollar. So we begin....

A: A is for Arthur Mutambara (just because M is reserved for you know who). This fellow (place grandiloquent between this and fellow) seems not to know what he wants from Zimbabwe's political landscape. First, he was against dictator Tsvangirai, then he decided he did not have any leadership qualities so he courted Makoni of the Mavambo fame, then he went to Tsvangirai for the runoff, then he was on his own for the GPA, then he was with Tsvangirai, then Mugabe, then Tsvangirai, then both, then Tsvangirai, then Mugabe, then he ended the year with an opinion piece against the west, Tsvangirai and everyone else except Mugabe and of course Mutambara. I am beginning to enjoy the raillery!

B: B is for BACOSSI - the basic commodities supply-side initiative. The phrase, and the popular acronym are meaningless (see G for the author of such useless things). The acronym now stands for anything that is viewed as cheap. Originally G thought he could supply all basic commodities to everyone at less than the cost of production - ever heard of a perpetual motion machine, anyone? Let's hope 2009 has more sanity. B is also for Biti, negotiator, MDC side.

C: C is for Cholera, that disease of the stone age that could be prevented by proper water and sanitation coverage and can be treated in a functional hospital with basic antibiotics. Problem is clean water, sanitation coverage, functional hospitals, basic antibiotics cannot be found in Bob's Zimbabwe. So, Cholera has been Zimbabwe's biggest export of the year, to SA, Malawi, Zambia, Botswana - has it reached the UK?

D: D is for DD - Dumiso Dabengwa of PF ZAPU, ZANU-PF, Mavambo, and PF ZAPU in that order. A most interesting character who was minster of home affairs when Zimabwe's police force (note: FORCE not SERVICE) reached extreme heights of partisanship. Now he thinks he wants to introduce a human rights culture (hooonest, I am not joking!) by reintroducing PF ZAPU. Forget it DD, you squandered all the sympathy we had for you (after all we thought you would learn from your incarceration and the death of your colleague Mafela). Forgetable.

E: E is for Election - harmonised, runoff, violence, delayed results and everything else. Dramatis personae - George Chiweshe (he can't count), Bob (he will always win even when he actually loses), Morgan (see T below), Makoni (of the Mavambo fame). The elections came but ZANU PF decided that they fought for one man one vote if the said man uses the said vote to elect ZANU PF - case closed.

F: F is for FOLIWARS, not wars of the Follies you dummy, another of DR GG's scheme to fleece Zimbabweans. This one was the partial dollarisation of Zimbabwe's economy whose net result was the total dollarisation of the economy. Need I say more?

G: G is for GG - Gideon Gono. A man who thinks he can reinvent human civilisation and redefine every economic theory that has ever been developed and tested. God help him in his quest. He succeeded in taking all Forex in the little economy and spent most of it on agricultural mechanisation, only there was no agriculture to mechanise. Result, total collapse of the economy as the companies whose forex was raided started buying forex on the market and as they say all hell broke loose! Now despite his belief that the US and Europe imposed sanctions on Zimbabwe, he has destroyed the ZimDollar and decided to use the USD, the Rand ... forget sovereignty, and hate the whites but love their money no end! He wrote a book in which he demonstrated that he is an active confused confusionist. Best described as a portrait of a failure. God save us from what he will dream up next.

H: H is for harmonised election (see E above). Only there was no harmony and all of us were supposed to elect Mr Mugabe, otherwise his supporters will cutoff your hand.

I: I is for Identity. Zimbabwe now does not have a currency of it's own. What are a we? A bunch of looneys methinks.

J: J is for Jonathan Moyo (Because M is reserved). The man, who  in a brief period from 2000 to 2005 destroyed the independent press and convinced every Zimbabwean to buy a satellite dish and decoder of some sort. He promised to silence the daily news forever a week before it's printing press was bombed (he was not involved - ha ha ha). He told us that the era of Mugabe winning the elections was irretrievably over and that if Mugabe won by hook or crook or by Chiweshe the economy would resoundingly reject him (All correct predictions it seems) then he dismissed Tsvangirai and the last we heard he was trying to overturn the election of the speaker. A busy one this one (Cf. A above).

K: K is for Khama Ian. The only SADC leader to recognise and name nonsense after the late Levi Mwanawasa. 

L: L is for Lovemore Moyo (As I have told you M is reserved!). The new speaker of parliament with the onerous task of steering Amendment 19 through the seventh parliament of Zimbabwe. Tough job.

M: M is for Mugabe (Robert Gabriel), a man who has been consistent in his entire history. He can't lose, even if you actually beat him remember he cannot lose. So if you win a contest against him you should know that the contest has yielded two winners, Mugabe as first and you second, ask Morgan.

N: N is for Nelson Chamisa. The MDC spokesperson who displays all the hallmarks of a demagogue. Give him access to the Herald, Sunday Mail and ZBC then watch this space. But so far quite entertaining!

O: O is for Obama. No comment.

P: P could have been for Zimbabwe's parliament but hey, there is Partrick Chinamasa (where would we put him?). This gentleman, a lawyer, and acting minister of finance decided that the September 11 agreed and initialed agreement is wrong so he switched it with a better on for the September 15 signing ceremony. 'First of all kill the lawyers', ha ha ha! But, he shows a typical ZANU PF strain, we know what is best for you, so leave the job of deciding to us. That's what they did at election time, that's what they did on September 15.

Q: Q is a quantum (not of solace).

R: R is for the ruling party, the MDC which won all the credible elections for the year and runs most local authorities. Euphoria, arrogance and blind support killed ZANU PF; do not repeat it. 

S: S is for September and it's signatures. The less said about it the better.

T: T is for both Morgan Tsvangirai and a fellow called Thabo Mbeki (please note that M is occupied). The first almost won everything then could not get a passport and now he is in Botswana, no SA... okay wherever. He is, by far, the most popular man in Zimbabwe as I write and if he remains focused might turn out to be the best thing Zimbabwe has ever produced - that's way too much praise for a trade unionist best known for boycotts! The second is the one who is trying to hoodwink the first into not achieving his dream. The most interesting thing about Mbeki is that he is a snake-charmer of sorts. Look at how he charmed ZANU PF into signing that GPA.

U: U is for unforgivable. The conduct of ZANU PF and GG this year.

V: V is for violence. The only means ZANU PF can use to persuade Zimbabweans to vote for it. Unfortunately, the world is not that amused.

W: W is for Welshman Ncube. Interesting, isn't it? All three made it in the alphabet. He was part of the boffins that came up with the impossible to implement GPA.

X: X is for that mark you put on a ballot paper which was not recognised this year. Let's hope they will show some respect for it in the future.

Y: Y is for the year 2008. At least now ZANU PF knows!

Z: Z is for ZANU PF. A party that wrote a brilliant history then systematically unwrote it! They lacked leadership renewal and now resorts to abduction, torture, murder etc to gain popularity while other liberation parties such as Chama Cha Mapinduzi enjoy serious support. You only have one opportunity to learn - you do so when you are young, at 85, the learning may be too difficult. Where is the dustbin?